not sure if you're a boy or a girl

I was talking to Emma the other day about gay marriage, and how it should be allowed for as long as there’s straight marriage. If I decided I was going to marry a girl right now, I couldn’t. Well, I could because I’m in Massachusetts, but DOMA would prevent that from being recognised federally, even though I’d be straight. At the same time, if I married a guy, it would be legal by the federal government’s standards. Confused yet? I am.

While I’ve been closely following the proposition 8 trial, I’m actually not a supporter of the institution of marriage. I think we should abolish marriage as recognised the state and make it a purely social institution. Everything would work out better that way. If you think about it, think about it. Legal marriage is really fucked up. If I were dying in the hospital in an “immediate family only” situation, some of the people I care about the most would not necessarily be allowed to see me. Not that they’d want to—I’m a miserable person to deal with when I’m sick, but that’s beside the point. The point is, “family” isn’t necessarily limited to your spouse and blood relations. I may never marry. That doesn’t mean my parents are the only people that close to me. Marriage or not, Family should be a sentiment, not a rigidly defined state of being.

By the way, I figured my categories needed a bit of improvement. Opinions on the change?

What’s this? Two updates in one week? The world must be about to implode. Some important things have happened in life. I got into Imperial College London, which is ranked 4th in Europe for physics and I got rejected from Cambridge, but I’m the least upset of anybody I know. I got over Cambridge back in December.

Life is incredibly busy with the play and all. I’d prefer to have my Saturdays back. Supposedly I need to cook, but mom won’t give me a schedule of non-vegetarian meals. I don’t really have time to cook en masse and then pack it away in little tupperware containers to sit in the fridge until the powers that be deem it necessary.

Oh, look. A third paragraph. How novel. I don’t really have anything to say in a third paragraph. I just wanted to write one. I’ve been really worried about Figaro recently. He’s not getting any younger and the last year has been really rough on him. He’s gone from being mostly retired to fully retired. His arthritic joints aren’t even holding up to light walking these days. In the last year, he’s become a cancer patient and gained a chronic sinus infection. I’ve been thinking and his quality of life is becoming a legitimate concern. When we first bought him, I agreed that if there came a point that he was miserable and in pain with no chance of treatment, we’d put him down. He’s still happy and enjoying his life as a pasture ornament. But my greatest fear is that he’s going to take a turn for the worse while I’m at college. I don’t know. He’s Zabeg’s age. Bookie’s death just suddenly made Figaro’s mortality very real to me.

It’s finally winter again. For some reason I can’t find the comfort in it that I once did. It’s missing the warmth of laughter shared with the closest of friends, huddled on a bench during those endless frozen nights. I’m constantly tired these days. I don’t want to write essays. I don’t want to do much of anything. A few days ago, it was pouring and I was walking to class at Harvard. Someone near me struck a match. For a second, I tore my attention away from the way water was soaking into my decidedly impractical shoes to smell it fizzle out in the rain. That’s how I feel sometimes. Like a match lit in the rain. I mean to accomplish something, but somehow I’m still inadequate. I just want my best friend back. Maybe then everything would somehow work itself out. I’d definitely be working instead of sitting here bitching about it. Good night.

I got the news that Zabeg died today. I don’t even know what to say or how I feel. It wasn’t real until I called my mom to tell her, and then I just started crying and couldn’t stop. Why Zabeg? I loved him. I can’t even imagine what Emily’s going through. The worst bit was knowing that he suffered. I don’t know. I’m not forming coherent thoughts right now.

So, Crash Love. Being released this coming Tuesday! God, I don’t think I’ve had this strong an emotional reaction to an album since I bought Station To Station at the beginning of the summer (and before that, Innuendo a couple of years back). Honestly, this album makes me want to burst into tears. I’m going to be honest. I’ve drifted from AFI over the years, but I keep coming back. The connection I felt to Decemberunderground and Sing The Sorrow is long gone, outgrown, and recently I’ve been listening to Shut Your Mouth And Open Your Eyes. I’m someone who often says, “The Art of Drowning saved my life.” I’m now saying that Crash Love is some of their finest work to date. Lyrically, Davey expresses his opinions on the society (like it or not) he has become a part of with poetic honesty. Hunter and Adam are as good as ever, Jade has definitely been practising—he’s playing within his means. Davey is the one who truly shines, though. Until now, he has always been the most loved, but weakest member of the band. His vocals have improved dramatically. He’s singing in his range these days, and it seems that he’s finally found his voice. It’s beautiful. Every time I listen, I find something new I love. I guess I’m lucky in that I’ve matured in the same way the guys have. Crash Love is nowhere near what I expected, or even wanted from AFI. But, somehow, it’s exactly what I needed from them at this point in my life. This album is going to break into the mainstream even more than Decemberunderground did, but these guys have been working hard at this for 18 years and with this album, they truly deserve it.

Track Listing
1. Torch Song – 10/10. This song is the epic track of all epicness. The opening guitar on this made my jaw drop, literally.

2. Beautiful Thieves – 8/10. I hated this song at first, but recently I can’t stop listening to it. It’s catchy and dark. The chorus has been stuck in my head since the album started streaming on Myspace.

3. End Transmission – 10/10. Easily the best track on the album. This song reminded me why I love AFI. While I’m convinced it’s about blow jobs while driving, it’s put so beautifully that I can’t get over it. I cried the first time I heard this song.

4. Too Shy To Scream – 4/10. It’s a catchy song, but that’s all it is. Nothing about this grabbed me, and its place following End Transmission does nothing to show its own merits.

5. Veronica Sawyer Smokes – 7/10. This was probably the biggest disappointment of the album. Everyone was so excited about it, and it’s a fantastic song, but it sounds like it could have been written by The Cure or The Smiths. There’s nothing in it that makes it uniquely AFI.  But there’s an awesome guitar solo in it which makes up for that.

6. Okay, I Feel Better Now – 9/10. I’m having a hard time writing about this without the lyrics in front of me, but the closest comparison I can find is The Interview in Decemberunderground. This is the track that should have followed End Transmission. It’s wasted where it is. I guess it just spoke to my state of mind.

7. Medicate – 7/10. It’s a good single. That’s all I have to say. The too-abrupt transition to the bridge still bothers me as much as it did the first day. What was Jade thinking?

8. I Am Trying Very Hard To Be Here – 7/10. It’s catchy, and it says some much-needed things, but musically it reminds me far too much of Miss Murder. It’d make a good single.

9. Sacrilege – 9/10. A slap in the face. Woke me up after the previous two tracks. Honestly, I’m surprised more people aren’t upset about the lyrical content of this song. It brutally tears apart Christianity. A lot of people have called it the follow up to 2000’s Smile. I agree.  Oh, and GUITAR SOLO.

10. Darling, I Want To Destroy You – 6/10. I really hate the use of a vocoder here. If it weren’t for the guitar, I’d give it a 3/10. The vocoder bothers me that much. However, this track includes some of Jade’s most complex and lyrical guitar work. So I can’t hate it because it reminds me why I love him so much. He knows his limits and takes his abilities and creates art.

11. Cold Hands – 9/10. The lyrics here cause me pain. Is that really what Davey thinks we think of him? It’s a lovely song, though. I haven’t listened to it enough to say much more.

12. It Was Mine – 10/10. This track is nothing short of haunting. It starts, then builds in tension until it crescendos in a soaring bridge and then trails off as a fantastic closer to the album. Everything went right on this, though the “choir” backing vocals take a few listens to get used to.

—

Anyway, enough about the AFI album.  I know you’re just dying to hear about my life.  Fenced in an unclassified mixed tournament on Friday night.  Went 4 and 2 in my pool (expected) and came in 8th in the entire tournament (unexpected).  I got a by for the first round of DEs, then fenced a guy who really intimidated me at first, but then I realised he only had one attack which was a really long flick to your shoulder.  Easy to parry-riposte.  Won that one.  My second DE, I wasn’t so lucky.  Michal had been strip coaching me throughout the tournament, but I was too tired to get anything done, so I gave away 6 touches at the end and lost 15-9.  When I went to sign the score sheet, my hand was shaking so badly that I could barely hold a pen.  Could have won that bout.  Didn’t.  Got home around 11.  I am now exhausted (still) and sore everywhere.  Need to get in better shape.  Er, that’s about it.  Add the usual bitching and whining about life to the end of that.  This post is getting far too long.