Also known as, “why me?” syndrome. It’s recently come to my attention that the phrase “why me?” plays an oddly prominent role in my daily internal monologue. Whether in response to positive or negative happenings, there’s always the overwhelming feeling of “why me?” In August, my main feeling was of “why me”. When Fiona Harrison took an interest in my future, it was why me? When John Huchra passed, was the strongest sensation of why me? Why is this happening to me? I’m just an average college kid struggling through freshman year. Why do these things happen to me? Why do the worst things go wrong at the same time? Why are these people trying to help me?
And then I remember no, I’m not average. On the most superficial level, I go to Caltech to study astrophysics. There are 900 of us undergrads total. However much I choose to downplay it, that is by no means average. On the deepest level, I’m not at all who and what society says I should be. First of all, I’m Aspergers, but society deems this as acceptable if a bit awkward. Then we get to the issue of gender, which I’ve been thinking about more and more recently. Can I honestly say I am not what society expects me to be in terms of gender, seeing as I pass 100% of the time? If I pass all the time, then I am what society expects, if not what genetics expects.
In my ability to pass, consistently, this is if anything become more of a concern to me. Do I want testosterone? I’ve been discussing this with my therapist recently. My default answer is, not yet. I pass fine as is. I don’t need it at this point in time, and I worry about how Figaro would handle my voice changing. At the same time, one of the reasons I desperately want it is for the voice change. I want to be able to sing again. I want to be able to laugh, sneeze, shout without the fear of outing myself. Once again, why me?
I know it’s a bit early, but I think I’m going to to a new year’s post. It’s been a bit of a strange year for me. There have been ups and downs and even sideways’. I fell in love, I got into the school of my dreams, I changed my name, she fell out of love, I joined an NCAA team, I lost a mentor, I survived my first term at college. Like I said, it’s been an eventful year. I’m not going to give the details of everything that’s happened, those are obvious. As Mr. Pennyworth told Bod,
“You are obvious, boy. You are difficult to miss. If you came to me in company with a purple lion, a green elephant, and a scarlet unicorn astride which was the King of England in his Royal Robes, I do believe that it is you and you alone that people would stare at, dismissing the others as minor irrelevancies.”
Ah well. Such is the nature of the teenage experience. Things, however subtle they seem to the individual experiencing them, are Obvious. I won’t be able to say that for much longer. I’m turning 20 in February, but let’s not get into that. I feel that a year end post is incomplete without discussing Doctor Who. This year’s Christmas Special was the writing we’ve all been missing from Mr. Moffat. The point: to convince a cruel old man to save 4000 lives. The means: to go back in time and show him a happy childhood, thus changing his adult self. Oh, and a sky shark. The Doctor’s approach may have broken every rule in his own book, but it was so poetic that nobody cares. Amazing.
I also took the time to make a playlist to summarize my year. I’ve always found that music is so much more eloquent than I could ever be, so here is the track listing. Youtube links available.
Playlist for 2010
- AFI – Too Late For Gods
- Suede – By The Sea
- Dire Straits – Expresso Love
- David Bowie – Be My Wife
- Queen – Don’t Stop Me Now
- Blur – Fool’s Day
- The Dresden Dolls – Delilah
- Breaking Benjamin – Here We Are
- The Libertines – Music When The Lights Go Out
- Dire Straits – Romeo & Juliet
- The Dresden Dolls – The Jeep Song
- Patrick Wolf – Bluebells
- Queen – No One But You (Only The Good Die Young)
- Steely Dan – Deacon Blues
- Breaking Benjamin – Rain
- David Bowie – Strangers When We Meet
So, Massachusetts is now on board with immigration status checks. Can I just say, what the fuck? US immigration policy needs reform, but checking immigration status of everyone that gets arrested is the wrong way to do it. First of all, let’s stop calling people “illegal aliens”. They are very much not alien. They are exactly like you or me. Calling them illegal aliens only serves to dehumanize them further than what the immigration system has already done.
Moreover, our entire infrastructure is built on these people, yes, real people, whom we all forget except when we want to demonize them. If they were to leave, all the services we take for granted would collapse. These immigrants are the backbone of our economy. They do the jobs that none of us want, no questions asked, and disappear into the background when we want them to. They are the invisible people that make our lifestyles possible. This is why it makes me very angry when people talk about how we’re “giving illegal immigrants more rights than our citizens have.” On what planet do immigrants have even 1/10 the rights we have? It’s all very nice for us to talk about fair trade coffee and talk about inhuman working conditions, but nobody talks about the slave labor right here at home. They’re the people we’re trying to evict.
You want immigration reform? Here’s a better idea: give these people a chance at life. American immigration law makes it impossible for anybody not a white collar professional or an Indian IT guy to come in legally. You want them to “come in the front door”? Then make it possible. Vote for reform that works for immigrants, not rich white men who know nothing about the jobs they claim these people are stealing from “Americans”. What are Americans? We are all immigrants. All of us. It’s time to treat all people with some dignity and humanity, not just the more fortunate ones.
Listening: Neverwhere (the audiobook) by Neil Gaiman
I have a history paper due in less than 24 hours, and, as any good student of not-history would, I have found the time to accomplish everything but writing the fucking paper. I even took the sheets off my bed for some much needed laundering because it is the night before a history paper is due, which means the chances they will be slept in are somewhere between “highly unlikely” and “none” and getting slimmer with every passing minute I spend writing this instead of writing my paper. I just wrote an embarrassingly long rant at Neil Gaiman regarding his dislike for Montblanc (he really should try vintage MB before writing them all off as unusable), although HE IS MY FUCKING SOUL MATE. He quotes David Bowie. And writes with fountain pens.
Anyway, I really should write the paper. I was initially writing it by hand with my favorite MONTBLANC Best Pen Ever which bears no behavioral ressemblance to the modern thing Montblanc calls a pen. But I ran out of ink and seeing as I’m getting on an airplane tomorrow morning, I figured it might be a bad idea to refill right now. So now I’m back to the computer and the world of internet related distractions. This is going to be a long night.
Music: The Dresden Dolls - The Jeep Song
The thermostat in my room can’t decide between desert island and no heat at all. Or maybe that would be better put as: the thermostat in my room can’t decide between “desert island at midday” and “desert island at 2am”. Since desert climates tend to get quite cool when the sun is not actively heating the air. I’m either freezing or it’s too warm.
It’s the middle of finals week, technically. But for me it’s the end. I just finished my last final exam and the history paper doesn’t count. I’m taking this time to rediscover The Dresden Dolls. And to eat Pringles and Cherry Garcia. At the same time. Such is the madness of finals week. I’m not entirely sure what the point of this post was. I just wanted to complain about the weather here in the closet.